VirtualKid Forums
Welcome to VirtualKid Forums! Make sure you join so you can start posting and become a loved member! If you are a returning member, click log on, if you forgot your password click 'I forgot my password'.

The Analyst's Terminal History

View previous topic View next topic Go down

The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Mon Feb 03, 2014 8:04 pm

Welcome to my update thread.

A note on the title, In essence it means a historic log on activity of myself, a self confessed analyst.  The wording comes comes from computer terminals, a command prompt to do various bash scripts on a computer system. These prompts have history of the input commands and events, this alluding to my title.

My Requests for this page;
#1. I am the only one to post in this diary thread. You may open a thread outside of this one about my posts, you may PM me; I ask you do not post here.
#2. If you are offended, don't read. I have my opinions, you have yours. No flaming, just mind your own business.

Moderation is exempt of the rules above as needed, obviously.

This thread will be used as a daily actions/thought/rubbish.  Whatever I want out of a journal style diary.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

03/02/14

Post by Slizko on Mon Feb 03, 2014 8:44 pm

Nothing much, boring day. Felt Ill the latter half of the evening.  Miss my Girlfriend, it has been a while since we've been together.  Worried about a relationship with a close friend. 
Average dull day. Hope to feel better tomorrow.

Mood wise I'm feeling a bit depressed, it is life.

Nothing i'm hung up with thinking about today, which is nice.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Tue Feb 04, 2014 7:36 pm

Did today happen? I.. Just... Can't remember..  Always a scary thought.

Mood wise i'm fine, feeling about as down as yesterday.

Hung up thinking about a friend who is just plain odd. Not unpleasant at least, just... What makes her tick?

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Thu Feb 06, 2014 8:12 pm

As usual, I am too paranoid. But life goes on. Today was downright terrible, trying to avoid another fallback.


Completely hung up analyzing peoples opinions. I could care less what they are, I like to know why.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

7/2/14

Post by Slizko on Fri Feb 07, 2014 10:52 pm

Good day, something I always can appreciate.  Insane day for coffee, I had well over 15 cups worth of strong black brew.  Calms the nerves, helps to steady the thoughts. I love coffee. I am not substance dependent, but I do hate to think of a world without the brown beans.

Mood wise, I'm doing decent, a bit of worry ebbing at me, but all is easily solved. Its just a matter of the effort involved.

Hung up/ Obsessing with Issues trusting and believing people when they say they care about me.  I just honestly don't believe it when people say they care about me, or love me; Especially when they are drunk... Sigh....

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

8/2/14

Post by Slizko on Sat Feb 08, 2014 8:48 pm

A boring day, a bit depressing.
I'm feeling overly defensive, need to just let go and not take everything so personally.

Having a lot of thought along the lines of "belonging" to a group/scene. I've never fit in very well anywhere, sometimes it wears at me how badly I fit in.

Hun up on people. The obsessing over them comes to social interaction.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

9/2/14

Post by Slizko on Sun Feb 09, 2014 10:09 pm

Increasingly bothered by the false and fake things people say.
I don't want you to lie and say I am useful, I don't want to hear false hopes. I don't want your empty words.  I can take the truth when I'm simply in the way, when I do not actually help, when I am nothing but a nuisance.  Why can you not be straight with me, tell me as it is.  I may seem fragile when it comes to trying to be of use to people, but I don't want lied to.  Tell Me,
TELL ME THE TRUTH.
Is it wrong to want the truth?  Telling me I am getting in the way, reject me, asking me to back down.
DO IT.
FACE YOUR FEAR, TELL ME, STOP AVERTING YOUR EYES FROM PROBLEMS.
Is it too much to ask to know the truth?  I am strong enough for the truth.

I'm always so busy, never get a moments time with my Girlfriend, its beginning to bother me constantly. I'm completely devoted to her, yet I fear losing her every moment. Losing the only love I've known In a long time.

I may not belong with groups, with a kind of thought line, but that is fine. Lone wolf has always been my thing anyway. I am not bothered by this lack of people interested in my tastes. I need to move past wanting to belong to a group for social interaction with people in life. I am who I am, and this desire to belong shall never need to be fulfilled.


To the reader: Whoever you are, why-ever you read, thank you.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:17 pm

Stable and dull day. Enjoyable steady rhythm of life. No real memory of my day, from lack of caffeine today I would guess.

Generally I just act pissy when I am tired of being bothered, which was todays take.

Obsessing with my Girlfriend. First think I woke to, last thing I worked on today. I know my obsessive personality isn't healthy, but I continue to be unable to change. One of many personality flaws I have.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:13 pm

Much like yesterday. Nothing memorable. No caffeine again, I have to get off the train for a while. Not to sound like an addict, but coffee and tea's positive effects are what keep me going.

Feeling very introverted, off-put to talk to people. Generally just angry at the world.

Obsessing with government level malware. Its a trip every-once in a while, read about the government sponsored war viruses. Computer security is fascinating.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Thu Feb 13, 2014 9:56 pm

Boring day, depressing in some ways.  Sometimes I just feel like my entire existence is one giant waste of time.

In general I'm just angry, angry with myself for failure repeatedly.

Obsessing with security, I felt very paranoid today.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:25 pm

Depressing day. Hate this mess I call my life.  Why is it always the same, nothing is ever right.

I started off good. Everything just went wrong.

Obsessing with my Girlfriend.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Sun Feb 16, 2014 8:55 pm

Life is strange. A friend I used to have, who left me, wants me back. But wait, he left my friendship 2 years ago.  Why did he suddenly come back? My trust is not in this...

Just a mellow day, not a lot.

Obsessing with a mathematical algorithm. Why? I don't know, but I am.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Mon Feb 17, 2014 8:19 pm

Life: "Oh you thought things were going well? Aha, ha, ha. No. Let me change that."

Why do I even try?

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Thu Feb 20, 2014 12:05 am

I would start off with a rant about "The Truth" But that's been done above already.  Instead I'll take a nice little quote
"Even without the events of a year ago, I think he would still be a creature who doesn't face the truth. He would avert his eyes from it, and acts as if he doesn't have any memories of his history... A year can be both a brief time, and yet a long time."

No obsessive thoughts today. Which is weird, foreign to me.

"You are a worthless abject failure" Describes how I feel about myself as of late. No matter where I turn, what I do, nothing is going well.  I don't think I have a self-esteem problem, I just have a very realistic and harsh opinion, and judge of myself.  When did my life become such a mess? When did everything start to fall apart? Why did it fall apart? ... What did I do wrong?

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Fri Feb 21, 2014 11:05 pm

Life's just so forgettable. I hardly remember anything about my days anymore. Everything of the past is just a huge blur.  Nothing is memorable.  Thinking about how times passes, another day gone... It makes my skin crawl.  Thoroughly upsetting.

It was a decent day.  Went fast, nothing happened.

Obsessing with  my drastically lacking ability to remember anything.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:44 pm

Had a busy weekend. Never changes there.  GF ignored me all weekend.  Not memorable. Nothing is memorable.  

It was a decent weekend.  Went fast, nothing happened.

Obsessing with a particular data set.

For those reading, chat with me about this thread (If you want) at:
http://VirtualKid.englishboard.net/t1479-the-analyst-s-history-revisited

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Mon Feb 24, 2014 8:36 pm

I hear the stories of some of the people here.. I feel like I'm nothing material like the rest here.  I don't belong; Which to me is nothing new.


I've always been a dynamic persona. Even I'll admit that constant fluctuation is how I live. Sometimes enchanted by the world, taken in a fancy of illusion and happiness.  Othertimes I'm downright dark, disillusioned by the nightmares in living.

Today, I felt rather overshadowed by depression.  Making the effort to live is so tiresome on a mental level.  No one notices, masking my emotions isn't something I even think about anymore. It's become a way of life to be fake. 

As usual my obsessive tendencies are taking their toll as well.  It is truly hard to imagine living without some central thought to dwell on when your not busy with something at hand.  That being the scary part, if I'm not obsessing, what do I do?   Today's obsession being with that of Bitcoin.  I've been in the scene for a long time, but It still is one of my bigger obsessions.


My obsessive behaviors, and my faked persona have drastically affected my life over the past four or five years.  I've given up hobbies and forms of enjoyment to pursue these things.  I do occasionally worry about who I am from a standpoint of outside.  What do people see? Do they see the hate and anger that clouds around me. Do they see the obsessive patterns in everything I do?  Do they see a cold individual who pretends to be happy?

What am I? I'm unsure of my own personality sometimes.  I seem to know a lot, thanks to reading the news "Religiously" and general "When I'm obsessed with something I read about it"  Which I can draw from. But as for personality and tastes, they are constantly subject to the day and situation.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

This is my day 0

Post by Slizko on Tue Feb 25, 2014 8:52 pm

All my life I have tried. Tried to be successful. Tried to be happy. Tried to be useful. Tried to make others happy. Tried.

Endlessly, I have failed. Failed to be happy. Failed to be useful. Failed to be successful. Failed to make others happy. This marks yet another low in my life. I have failed at everything I originally had set out to do otherwise.

It is to all points I have failed in my life. Nothing I do is good enough.


I’ve never honestly claimed to be smart, not talented, not gifted, not even wise.  All I have ever had, was obsession to attempt to be successful. The need to make myself something of value.

For the last few years I’ve seen my life change drastically. Nothing’s what it used to be.  I’ve kept trying though, regardless of the new look of the world I have.

Eventually I’ve meet ever mounting obstacles, due to lacking natural talent and skill.  I’ve reached the celling of my skills, and now every step I take further is a order of willpower. Each bit of progression magnitudes more difficult.  I’ve moved to failure, step by little step.


Everyone and everything in my life, people I fell in love with, have been hurt by me.  No one who I cared for has lived better during their time with me. I was a burden for them. I was an issue that damaged their life.  I am a monster who hurts everyone I come in contact with.


This is my breaking point. This is my apology to those I’ve hurt. This is the driving emptiness that is my world.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Sun Mar 02, 2014 9:46 pm

I am;

  1. Too busy.
  2. Living lifestyles that are bad for my health.
  3. Unable to remember anything.
  4. Tired of my relationship
  5. Nearing the end of my patience with being ignored all the time.


Outside of everything, I am more mentally stable. Which is always nice. I shouldn't complain, my issues are petty in comparison to others. Really things are getting better, I just need to keep taking steps forward towards improvement.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Slizko on Mon Mar 17, 2014 11:21 pm

Honestly, What is going on?

Nothing is memorable anymore. Nothing is interesting anymore. Nothing is emotion good or bad anymore.

My life has lost the little color it had left. I don't understand why this lifestyle, so little of anything, so distant, works better than everything I've ever done before.

Life is not complicated, just... so bland...

_______________________________________________________________________________________
СлЫзкo - Slizko in English
avatar
Slizko
100 posts!
100 posts!

Posts : 140

Back to top Go down

Re: The Analyst's Terminal History

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum