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Liar .

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Liar .

Post by LigerMan007 on Mon Mar 24, 2014 10:34 pm

I'm sorry I've lied about this for so long . 
It's been awhile since I've felt so low , 
I have LIED to my dearest friends for 
far too long . And for that , I am sorry . 
My life has felt like a hell for a long time . 
I've been really holding shit inside myself . 
It really hurts to , even for my best friends , 
say "I'm okay" . Please forgive me . 
I wish I could really tell you how much I really love 
you guys . Seriously , I would find myself waking up
some days saying 

"This is where it ends , but only after
I see Sarah or Eric." 

Then , for awhile , something changed on the inside . 
Like winter to spring , my insides would change for awhile . 
I wanted to die everyday for almost my entire Freshman year , 
thru sophomore year till today . You kept me going . 

You gave me a reason to live for little while longer . 
Sarah , your beautiful face , your sweet demeanor . 
You are such an awesome person . I really REALLY care about you . 
you're a once in a life time person . 
Eric , you are such a cool dude , man , I can't even Smile 
I can give you my "Coolest man friend award" . 
You are a once in a life time person . 

I've lied to you long enough now , so here .  

Sarah , you asked me a while ago if I ever thought about suicide , 
and If I was going to do it . Well , yes , everyday I wanted to die . 
and yes I wanted to . I am so sorry I lied to you . 
You really kept me up , just seeing you was like lifting a weight off my chest . 

Eric , you asked if I self harmed … Well , yes , 
It's different for me though . I stop blood flow to my head  by stopping my
Jugular's flow , I could kill my self in about 2 minutes if I did it hard enough . 
I would shove my head under water and just stay there  I would do it for hours . I could go for about 4 1/2 minutes in the summer . but I wasn't trying to be free , I wanted to feel the drop in blood pressure , 
and let my sight go pale , and maybe die that way .. It would be quick . 
I'm sorry I never told you . 

Sarah and Eric , 

I already told Sarah this , but ..
I have been trying to find my memories of my childhood , then 

   "Where was God?" 

To take some form of comfort from his place in my Hell . 
And I started to remember certain memories . Horrible memories . 
I was raped as a child . 
several times .  I don't know who , but that it was horrible . 
It still has effects on my inner being . 

This is something I have only told my parents recently ….
 during the summer between my 6th and 7th grade years , 
I went back to my dad's  house and upstairs there was a meth 
Crank crazy ass moro … well .. he had a very VERY scary 8 year old son . 
and he raped my brothers . all three of them . 
I went into the room right after I woke up and I saw it .. 
I didn't know what the FUCK to do but it was too much. 
If I told my Dad he would beat the shit out of me for letting it happen . 
and there wasn't anyone safe to tell . 

I fucking hate myself for it . I didn't know what to do . 
I was cornered . and I didn't have any idea what to do . 
Everyday I think about it and what I could have done . 

I feel like such a pretender , lying everyday to people who 
I don't give two shits about  . I want to care , but I'm too fucked up
in the head to process "Friends" .
I am so alone on the inside .  I want to tell you how
I feel SO BAD , But my mom's voice is still in my head . 
Saying , 

"You're not good enough" ,
"You should have been aborted" ,
" You're a fucking failure" , 
" I never wanted you" , 
"You are worthless to me " ,
" you'll be just like your dad , 
beating women and hating your kids" ,
"You'll never understand love , love doesn't 
want you" , 
" I hate you" . 

All things I heard over and over in my head . 
I wish they weren't true , but it feels like they are burned into me . 

I wish I could really show you what's inside , but I feel like everyone 
will  turn on me , that people will think I'm a freak (if they don't already) 
I tell myself over and over that you won't , but it just seems so real . 

I love you both so much , so very very much , I can't cheese it enough . 
I think about you guys everyday , quite a bit . ( If that's not creepy) 
I pray for you , 

I pray for you , Sarah , for 

your grandparents , 
your relationship with God , 
That you'll turn out great , 
for your stress , that it won't control you . 
For all of the shit you go through , that 
it won't hold you back . 
And how I can fit in all this . 

I pray for you , Eric , 

your family , 
your relationship with God , 
How you'll help people just like me (and yourself) 
How you'll find that person that you really love and care 
about  (in a romantic way) . 
and for your future , that  it will be worth all this shit 
you're going through . 
and how I can be the best friend for you right now . 

I know I'm just a friend , but I feel myself putting my needs behind yours , 
and I feel like I care WAY more about YOU then ME . 
That's just the way things work I guess . 

I feel like the point I want to make is , 
I wouldn't be here without you . 
I would be another teen dead from 
his own hands . 

Thank you so much . 

I feel like a sucky friend , for all of the things you do , 
What have  I done ? Jack shit . That's What . 
If I was to only have two people in my life , 
If I was the Enemy of the World , 
you would be it . The only people to ever 
be with .


                                                 "My heart is broke , but I have some glue"
250 posts!
250 posts!

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